Put Down the Bottle
Put down the bottle...
DEVON ANDERSON·WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 2016 (Facebook)
I have casually mentioned on Facebook and with some friends that I had quit drinking. Some of my friends were confused. I wasn't a regular drinker, but I started drinking enough. For me, I noticed that I felt more and more like I needed it more so than I wanted it. And that was a red flag.
I freely admit: I wasn't afraid to turn to the bottle of wine or fruity alcoholic beverage when life got stressful. Or hard. Or I was bored. After all, Jesus turned water into wine, so it has to be good, right? We get wine at communion, so it's an okay thing, right? Sure. Wine is delicious with all of its sweetness (I am more of a red girl than a white), and wine made me feel some sort of way (which my students assure me is a good thing). But, I noticed something that I didn't like about wine. I didn't like how it became a Band-aid.
One glass after a long day of working, momming, writing, whatever, would sometimes become two glasses. And then, sometimes, three. The occasional margarita out at dinner with the family became a drink-it-all-so-fast-because-I-don't-want-to-feel-stress drink, and it'd be gone before they refilled our chips and salsa. And this didn't happen frequently, but it happened enough that I sat down and thought about it long and hard.
I mean, the wine, the drinking. I thought about it a lot. I thought about having a glass in the morning before I started to really even get into the day. And while I wouldn't actually HAVE a glass when I wanted one (like the morning my kids woke me up by screaming at each other over an iPod app that "wouldn't load right", when really, the damn thing wasn't even downloaded yet), the fact that some mornings I would get out of bed wanting a drink before breakfast made me pause. That wasn't me. That wasn't who I was. But, it had become a part of me that I had taken the steps back to notice. And that's kind of what we all have to do from time to time, really. Self awareness is the key to a lot of things. And I have always been very self aware of my own flaws and faults, victories and talents. But, something about my personality can lead me down very dark, not so nice paths. And that's where all of this thinking, this ruminating, leads me when it needs to. When I need it.
Confession: I have an addictive personality. If I like something, I love it. If I listen to a specific band, I listen to them all.the.time. If I buy a shirt, I have to buy it in every color (which is a long running joke with my husband). Before my wedding, I developed a borderline eating disorder because I was obsessed with losing weight. I was so sick that I felt like shit the whole week leading up to my wedding, and then at my wedding, and then I allowed myself to eat on my honeymoon like a switch went off. FOOD! FOOD IS GOOD! But, damn it, I looked fucking amazing in my wedding dress. And that's what mattered.
Having an addictive personality is a good thing in many ways. I'm a tireless perfectionist. I don't know how to sit still and just "be" because I am very goal-oriented, which is good in many ways, but it's not so good in others. If I don't have a goal to focus on, to become addicted to in a way, I feel very lost, frustrated, easily angered, and adrift. I give my all to my kids, my husband, my students, and my writing so that, many times, there isn't anything left for me because I like the feeling of accomplishing something, of obtaining a goal. I bore easily with things that take too long to complete because, goddamnit, I need to get shit done. Goals! I have them! Get out of my way! I become codependent on goals, which sounds crazy, but it's true. I get twitchy when I have to wait for something to happen, something to be done. I hate the waiting. I need it now! Some call it passion. Drive. And in many ways, it's all of that and more. My work ethic is insane because I know what I am capable of and never settle. I crave that moment of "I did this". I wear myself out for it. I get high on accomplishing what I set out to do, which beats drugs, but is just as exhausting.
And it can make me stabby, and critical of those around me, and then I start comparing myself to others (because that's healthy). And I feel less than because I haven't done X, Y, and Z...And that's when addictive personality can become a negative. Anxiety can set in. I start to feel the negative creeping in, the stress and anxiety of life that can crush me if I let it. My darks can be very, very dark, and 18 years ago when I suffered in silent depression, it was the craving for the dark, for the heavy, thick blanket of depression that kept me down, until it didn't. I overcame it then, but it can turn into turning to something outside of me to usher in that feeling that I crave, that serenity I cannot give myself because I simply have nothing else to give. It can be exhausting, and that's when it turns into, "Pour me a drink". Because it's an easy fix. But, it's not. Not really, anyway. So, I switch my addiction to chocolate. Or sweets. I have very little impulse control when it comes to sweets, so I try to keep them out of my house as much as I can with three kids and a husband who, clearly, are allowed to have these things and keep themselves in check. It's just another thing to crave.
I notice these things about myself and try to keep myself in check. I am losing weight now, but I am doing it the right way. I try to mix up my listening preferences in music so as not to annoy the shit out of my husband (sorry sweetie, I just really, really love Breaking Benjamin and Starset!). And I am working on being calmer because when I am stressed, I can get critical, and I end up being critical of things that, really, are not that deep. And, I have turned away from the one thing that promised to love me down to the last sip: alcohol.
I wasn't turning into an alcoholic by any stretch, but that is in my blood. I'm genetically predispositioned to love alcohol in all its forms, both from my DNA make up and the history I carry with me. I do love the taste of wine, the sting of a good vodka, and the sweet sweet musings of tequila. But, it's not for me anymore. For me, it is easier to eliminate that which I know may become a problem than to just do it casually. Because, casually can become regular quick. And then, it can lead to problem if I am not looking.
Because I keep myself in checks and balances pretty well, I feel good about my decision, since I was aware enough that it was becoming an issue and needed checked. I don't miss it. I put down the bottle and haven't looked back. I drink more than enough water to sustain me and keep me full. I meditate and use essential oils and good-for-me-foods to keep me calm. I try to not be so critical when I feel the urge bubbling inside me (although that's one that is a daily struggle with three kids...). And I am a better wife, mom, friend, and person for it. I have high self esteem and confidence, which is not always the case in folks with addictive personality, but I've worked hard to believe I'm awesome and incredible. Even when I find myself comparing myself to others, I know who I am at my core. And I love myself, despite my brain wiring sometimes.
At the bottom of it all, I'm an admitted control freak. And whether or not I drink is something that I can control. It hadn't spiraled away from me, but it could have very easily. But, I am in control of it, and until I feel I can do it without it becoming a mask for what's really bothering me, I'll stay away from it. Until that day comes, those bottles in my fridge will just have to wait. I can't lie: they look delicious. But, I'm better off without.
Addictive personality can be one of the healthiest things for me, if I know what to become attached to, what to stay away from. And it is in the knowing that I find myself feeling better. Eating better. Drinking better. Being better. I can't have it any other way. Too many things ride on me being my best. And my best needs to be completely sober.
